Funny Family Quotes: 6 Real Lines From Wilde, Austen and Christmas Vacation
Words My Family Quotes Editors
In 1895 a London audience laughed out loud at a young man being told that losing both his parents "looks like carelessness." The line is still funny because every family has someone who talks that way. This page collects six funny family quotes that can be traced to a real text or film, grouped by the family moment they fit. After them come two popular one-liners nobody has traced, and one famous "Twain" joke he never wrote.
When a parent has opinions about everything
Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest opens with Lady Bracknell interviewing a suitor for her daughter. She treats his family tree like a job application, and the joke lands because the cruelty is delivered so politely.
To lose one parent, Mr. Worthing, may be regarded as a misfortune; to lose both looks like carelessness.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act I (1895), Lady Bracknell to Jack Worthing
Use it as a caption for any family photo where a relative is visibly judging the scene. It is a stage line, so quote it as Lady Bracknell's, not as Wilde's own view of orphans.
Jane Austen gives the same gift to a father. In the first chapter of Pride and Prejudice, Mrs. Bennet scolds her husband for abusing "your own children," and he answers with perfect calm.
You mistake me, my dear. I have a high respect for your nerves. They are my old friends. I have heard you mention them with consideration these twenty years at least.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 1 (1813), Mr. Bennet to Mrs. Bennet
This one works best as a private joke between spouses or siblings who share a long-suffering relative. Said out loud to the person it describes, it is a fight starter, so keep it for the group chat.
When the family forces a choice
Chapter 20 of the same novel has one of the funniest ultimatums in English. Elizabeth Bennet has just refused Mr. Collins, her mother demands she accept him, and her father is asked to settle it.
An unhappy alternative is before you, Elizabeth. From this day you must be a stranger to one of your parents. Your mother will never see you again if you do not marry Mr. Collins, and I will never see you again if you do.
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 20 (1813), Mr. Bennet to Elizabeth
It is funny because he is quietly on her side. Borrow it when relatives are pushing you toward a decision you have already made, for example a wedding guest list, a move or a job.
Austen's father gets the last word near the end of the book. After Mr. Collins writes a gossipy letter, he reads it with relish to Elizabeth in Chapter 57.
For what do we live, but to make sport for our neighbours, and laugh at them in our turn?
— Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice, Chapter 57 (1813), Mr. Bennet to Elizabeth
It is a good toast line for a family that has survived its own gossip. If you want more on how families handle gossip and pressure, see our toxic in-laws quotes, which pair sourced lines with practical answers.
When you are turning into your mother
Early in The Importance of Being Earnest, Algernon is asked whether Gwendolen will turn into her formidable mother. His reply has been quoted at daughters and sons ever since.
All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
— Oscar Wilde, The Importance of Being Earnest, Act I (1895), Algernon to Jack
It is an epigram meant to be turned around: the "tragedy" is that the speaker is a bit like his own mother too. On a Mother's Day card it works only if the mother has a sense of humor, so test it on someone else first.
When the holiday plan meets reality
Clark Griswold, played by Chevy Chase in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989), opens the family's "fun old-fashioned" Christmas with a speech that promises far more than the film can deliver.
We're kicking off our fun old-fashioned family Christmas by heading out into the country in the old front-wheel-drive sleigh to embrace the frosty majesty of the winter landscape and select that most important of Christmas symbols.
— Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase), National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (1989)
It is the perfect caption for a photo of a family trip that is going slightly wrong. We checked the wording against published film-quote listings (IMDb's quotes page and others) because we could not find a public script; spellings such as "old-fashioned" vary between listings.
Which line for which message
| Situation | Line | Safe to say to the person? |
|---|---|---|
| Caption for a judging-relative photo | Lady Bracknell, "carelessness" | Yes, if it is clearly a joke |
| Group chat about a dramatic parent | Mr. Bennet, "my old friends" | Only among siblings |
| Being pushed into a family decision | Mr. Bennet, "a stranger to one of your parents" | Yes, once the decision is made |
| Toast after a messy gathering | "Make sport for our neighbours" | Yes |
| Mother's Day or birthday card | Algernon, "like their mothers" | Only if she laughs at herself |
| Holiday trip photo | Clark Griswold, "frosty majesty" | Yes |
Funny, but we could not find the source
Two lines are everywhere on quote sites. We could not find a book, interview or recording that proves either one, so treat them as "attributed to" rather than "said by".
- "Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city." Attributed to George Burns; the pages that carry it do not give a source, and the wording varies from site to site.
- "I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them." Attributed to Phyllis Diller; again, the quote sites that list it give no original source.
If you want to use them on a card, write "attributed to" and keep the joke. Our guide to misattributed family quotes explains how we check lines like these.
The "Twain" joke he never wrote
You have probably seen a version of this: "When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years." Quote Investigator traced the first attribution to Twain to 1915, five years after his death, and found no evidence he wrote it. There is also a simple biographical problem: Twain's father died when Twain was eleven. If you like the sentiment, say "a saying often credited to Twain."
Questions readers ask
Where can I find more funny family quotes with real sources?
Plays and novels are the safest source, because the text is public and can be checked. Our pages on comedians on relatives and funny grandparent quotes cover other corners of the topic.
Is it okay to quote a character's line as if the author said it?
Say who said it. Lady Bracknell, Mr. Bennet and Clark Griswold are characters, so write "Lady Bracknell in Wilde's play" rather than "Oscar Wilde says." That keeps the joke and keeps the source honest.
Which of these works best for a family card?
Mr. Bennet's "make sport for our neighbours" is the gentlest, because it laughs at the family together. The Lady Bracknell and Algernon lines are sharper and fit best when the recipient is in on the joke.